What's YOUR Number?

What number are you? Today...not yesterday. Right now. Does the number on your scale define you?  Dictate whether you are a person of value or worth? Be honest. Does it? 

Here's a piece of my story:

Funny how so many details of my childhood are faded or obscure, but others so sharp and crisp in my mind. My weight through the years....When I was in 6th grade (80 lbs), 7th (90 lbs), 8th (90 to 100 lbs), 9th (105 lbs), 10th (105 lbs), 11th (115 lbs), 12th (115 lbs), end of freshman year in college (140 lbs), sophomore (145 lbs), junior (145 lbs), senior (130 lbs)....currently....don't know, don't care.

Can you guess what years of my life I struggled with bulimia and clinical depression? Which years I was in therapy? OK, it might not seem that obvious to some. But if you do or did determine your self-worth by the number on the scale, then you can probably guess when I crashed and burned... my first three years of college.

I allowed the scale to control my life. If I lost a pound I was a beautiful, skinny, funny, outgoing, witty person. I loved myself the day I was "skinny."  On the day I gained a pound, I was a fat cow. I loathed me. From one extreme to the other these were my thoughts, "I'm disgusting. Pitiful. Ugly. Fat. Shameful. What's the point of my life. Why get out of bed today? I will do the world a favor and spare them of my pathetic worthless self."

One freaking pound and I threw in the towel, gave up on life, and literally went back to bed. Yeah, it was that bad. To try to manipulate the numbers on the scale I would binge and purge regularly. Numbers would go up...then they would come down. Mostly they stayed up and even then some. I was losing control, basically living in sweat pants and t-shirts, hiding in my apartment. I'd make up random excuses not to go out with friends, roommates, or even attend my classes. If I did go out and enter the land of the living it usually meant it was a good number day. 

This vicious cycle continued for several years, getting progressively worse. (In a later article I will go into greater detail of my struggle with bulimia and how I overcame it.) In my senior year in college, something changed. I was no longer the center of my universe. I had someone else to take care of. I wanted to be better for him, mostly. But, along the way I saw how important it was to be healthier for myself. I wanted to be able to look at my face in the mirror and not grimace. 

It took a while. I threw away the scale. I let it go. I wasn't going to be controlled by that number anymore. I wanted to be free. And if I got fatter as a result, so be it.  I started eating healthier, regular meals, reading uplifting books, going on long walks, exercising, and even signed up for my first half marathon.  I found activities or pursuits that enriched my life and empowered me. I soon forgot about the scale I threw in my apartment dumpster. 

Since then, I don't remember my weights at various points in my life. I don't track it. The number is a "non-issue" for me because I made it that way. Let me tell you. It's sooooooo freeing!!! I do the best I can do each day; and I don't worry about the rest. 

I am a person of value because of these 5 things:

- I am a mother who loves being a mom and loves her children dearly.
- I love making people smile and laugh.
- I can be such a silly goofball, crazy lady, and I love it! 
- I am a good and loyal friend. I cherish my friends.
- I am very genuine and real; often wear my heart of my sleeve; always have good intentions and see the good in others.

OK, now I will admit, I wouldn't have been able to write that list even a few years ago. Wow, I'm progressing aren't I? haha!

So I had my ladies from group training this week write their list of 5 things. Some found it difficult. That makes me sad, because these women are truly amazing!!! And I wish they could see that for themselves. 

If you can't think of at least 5 attributes you like about you, something is probably missing in your life. You should be able to write at least 10 without pausing, because you are sooooo awesome!!

Remember, you are more important than any number.